Cinderella & Tiana

“I don’t need anyone but him.”

“Hmm. Ok.”

My parents were firm believers that I should be independent. I believe the same, not to the point that I am adamant about never letting a man help me but enough to know that I should be complete before marrying. I complete myself. I am whole by myself. I want to share “complete” myself with a “complete” man and have friends outside of him. However, some people that I did have friendships with, don’t know or don’t want to juggle friendships and the spouse. “I don’t need anyone but him. He’s my best friend.” I understand that there’s many reasons that people feel that way. I do not. I feel like there should be balance: me+him, him+his own friends, me+my own friends, and us+our mutual friends.

I don’t ever want a man to tell me that he “cannot live with out me”, nor will he ever hear me say that to him. It isn’t realistic to me. You live for yourself and I live for me and WE live together. I won’t say I don’t enjoy fairy tales because I do. However, my life isn’t a fairy tale. I live in the real world where I prefer realism. I find it so beautiful when a couple has lived their lives to the fullest with a companion just as wild and free as themselves. I want that. My heart is too wild to be tamed. Some people want that “I can’t live without you love”. No. My grandma’s neighbor lost his wife and two weeks later, he was gone. He was 90-something. He was active, had grandchildren and a Deacon in his church. No way that he shouldn’t have been able to live a few more years. On the other side, I lost my aunt and her husband is still active. They are young ( he was 53 and she was 54) They have grown children and young grandchildren. He works and has friends. Now, they have been together since they were teenagers. I understand the age difference but I am referring to the will to live. I want to be like that should my husband pass before me. I will still have a will to live.

Sorry, I am jumping off topic. The point I am trying to make is that I want to live completely and I want to roam around with my “complete” husband. I am not bashing people who cannot live without their mate. I don’t and will not imagine my life with just a single person in my life but THAT single person and a gaggle of people whom I trust with my energy. Life is complicated and I want some simplicity in that complicated life.

xoxo,

Love Black Beauty

 

Searching for my heart in his goodbye.

“I don’t trust easily.”

He replied, “I can tell.”

I don’t know why I decided to say that to the one I had trusted with my body. I wish trusted him more with my feelings. I was fooling myself. I trusted him. I just didn’t trust myself. Why was it easier to trust him with my body and not my heart? I never fully healed from the vicious cycle I subjected my own heart to multiple times before.

However, a year later and I realize that his reply still haunts me, “I can tell.” He kept it real with me, or atleast the parts he allowed to show. I couldn’t complain because I was a roller coaster. Some days I wanted to know him and the others I just wanted him in me. I should’ve told him in the beginning that I was interested in him more than physically. I was terrified and it was safer for my heart to keep it sexual. Could he handle the dark thoughts that I would have often? Would he hop in the car with me to drive around at 2am so I could clear my head? I didn’t give him a chance.

I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable. That is my downfall. I felt safe around him so why couldn’t I trust myself to let go? I was terrified that he’d see me; all the bad, all the good and all the ugly. He’d see all that and think that I wasn’t good enough. All my insecurities hit me full force. I am still struggling to complete my bachelor’s and he was on his second career. I am overweight and he was in the NFL. Why me? I should have been thinking, “Damn, girl! You got it!”

I am glad that I’m in a safe environment now to actually deal with my destructive demons. I want to let go. I want a relationship where I am not hiding pieces of me for fear that it’s too much or not enough. I am starting with my own relationship with myself. Can’t have expect any man to love what I am not willing to.

Power: 301

There’s something to be said about the person that cares the least in the relationship. They hold all the power. The one who cares more is blinded by the powerful one. Why? I am confused. Doesn’t love conquer all? Negative, it seems that the one who cares less will always be control because they aren’t in the moment. They are three moves ahead. How? Fear? Maybe. Some people just derive some tormented pleasure from hurting others. Some are fueled by fear of the unknown.

As I binge watch “House of Cards”, it brought perceptive. The first couple of seasons are definitely more sexual than I would expect politicians to be. However, it makes total sense. Power is the ultimate orgasm. “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. – Oscar Wilde” I started reevaluating past relationships. There were two instances where I wasn’t in control. Partly because I wanted to surrender to a man that exudes masculinity and one that I felt at home with. The other reason, I was blindsided. I cared too much and didn’t use my power. I let my shield down like an amateur boxer. My heart took the beating and my head is still punching.

“Sex is power.” It is. Anyone who has had amazing sex knows how powerful it can be. I just got my first taste of it. No one has that charisma, that stroke, or that girth. No one else yet. It is basic. It is the biological urge to mate. The most basic need a woman will ever need. I am a strong woman. I am a strong woman who needs and wants to be under a strong man.  I am usually the dominant one due to my lack of concern for them. Superficiality begets superficial relations. That is simple. I am aware I am no better than the guys that did that to me. There is one difference, they tried to know me intimately. At the time, I couldn’t see it, it was a lack of confidence. Power should be unwavering. I am back.

Phoning home.

As I drove around the city, all I could do is think. Think. Think. Think. I thought of my Auntie Mattie. I recently lost her. I keep seeing her in the casket and I want to scream. All I want to do is scream. So today of all days I just let it out as I am driving back from Orlando. My heart aches because I can hear is my Uncle Oscar say that, ” She’s gone. My baby. My best friend is gone.” I wasn’t there at the hospital when it went down but I know his voice and I hear the hurt. She was just here. Here, laughing and joking around. I just know that she is in Heaven. No longer suffering. My cousins are hurting. My uncle and my dad are hurting. Our family is hurting. She was the peacemaker. She was a fighter. She was beloved. I miss her. I can’t think of anyone that handles grief better than anyone else. This is the second person that has been close to me in ten years. It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m becoming desensitized to death. I don’t want that. I want to let my emotions flow. She knows that I love her. I know she’s still here in my heart.

Thoughts in the am.

It is 3:19am here. I can’t sleep. I can’t even gather my thoughts. However, I can’t release my thoughts. They are here and there, up and down. I want more. I need more. I just can’t get my thoughts out. I meditate and I think of him and my business adventure. I pray and he comes to mind. I want love and adventure. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want Elephant Room and Black Elephant to be successful, so I can give back to my community. I want my degree so I can teach kids about my passion of chemistry. I want to be a Congresswoman to educate our youth and help our communities thrive. I truly want to be a better person and help others reach their potential and pursue their passions. Just some of my thoughts.

 

Love, Black Beauty

To return…

I lost it all: common sense, my apartment, chance at love, and my favorite aunt. I quit my job and moved back home. 2016 wasn’t the best year. A low I have never experienced. A low I needed. Sankofa: San – to return; ko – to go; fa – to fetch, to seek and take. My best friend has it tattooed on her and it has been on my mind since I’ve been home. Coming home has been bittersweet. I realize that coming back has been one of the best decisions I made last year.”To return and get it”, get what? I lost my way up in Virginia. I have learned great lessons but I was losing myself. I was becoming coldhearted and distant. I was becoming the guys I was dating. I was becoming like the people I was around the most; complacent. I came back to reevaluate things and tragedy strikes, my aunt dies. I can’t even describe the pain I feel. It’s overwhelming. It hurts. I recently started going out again. Eating more. However, I digress, another time. Returning home shed light on a few things. One of things was that I desperately want to be the person that I needed when I was younger. Not that my parents weren’t amazing, they were but my younger self needed something different. I do not know exactly what she needs but the direction is a bit more clearer now. I’ve been chasing her forever and to come home and find her is the ultimate meaning of Sankofa.

 

Love, Black Beauty

My Frog Prince

Six months.

Six months of non communication. Six months of prayers and tears. Six months of nothing. I had some kind of spidey sense to text him. “He’s not going to respond.”, I thought. ” It’s been a while…”, he replies. Feelings of joy and anger surface simultaneously. “This asshole”, I thought. He didn’t even think to have the decency to send a text saying, “Woman, I am here for an assignment and it’ll be over soon. Come over.” Simple. Should’ve been a sign. I didn’t care I was craving him and he was so close. Time was of the essence and it had been a while for us, a while for me. His hotel was two minutes away from where I was. The elevator ride felt like it was an eternity. Twelve floors and Twenty-something doors later.

Home.

I am unaware why I feel like he is home but being in his presence calms and excites me. My skin is on fire and my heart is beating like a drum. It’s animalistic the way he looks at me and I am calm and trusting. Ready. Waiting. He pounces. Body against the glass. Hands above my head. His hands on my hips. He slids in me. “Oh, God.” Downtown Virginia Beach beneath us. Everyone who looks up can see. I can’t breathe. Light and brown skin mix together. He enjoys seeing the raw passion that he is responsible for. He knows that he just crossed a major sexual item off my bucket list. A few hours is all I have before he puts on his cape and leaves me again. He isn’t one for words and I’m ok with that because his body communicates as beautifully as any words he could articulate. I am horrible with goodbyes but he is worse. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I am here and he is there. We won’t speak until we are both in the same vicinity. Difficult. Out of sight but never out of mind. He always is in my thoughts and prayers. My home. My Frog Prince.

 

Love, Black Beauty

301 to 321

“LOL! You front so hard, Babe!”

“Whatever, Old Man! I can handle it. Don’t be pervy…”

You will forever disarm me with your eyes. From you, I received the most intense gaze I have ever received. It was primal and sexy. I still see it when I close my eyes. I still feel you on my skin: heavy and hot. I still feel you in me: hard as fuck. :le sigh: I don’t know what it is about you; no, I do. It was your confidence. Your “lone wolf” alpha male persona along with that tone athletic body. Your beautiful boy-like smile. Your strength. I definitely know what it was that caused me to fall. You found me attractive and it showed every time you touched me. Old Man, you gave me something I never experienced before. You were someone who was patient enough to help me get over flaws that I felt I had. What you saw in me will forever have my heart doing  flips. What you gave me goes beyond words.

“Why Black Beauty?”

“Because I like it better.”

That affectionate title unknowingly capture my heart. I cared for you. I found myself praying for you; your job is dangerous. However, I know that your potential blinded me from the reality that was so disastrously obvious: I am not the one for you. Hopefully, maybe one day. I am hopeful for that day but my world won’t wait for you. I won’t wait for you. I want you and a piece of my heart will always belong to you but I’m a Queen on a journey and I desire a King, who is down for the journey. I thank you for being an eye opener. I thank you for the soul-searing sex. Eventually the feeling will pass and be a sweet reminder of us. Time will heal my heart. Time will help me get over and through this period. It’s the best thing for my future and sanity. I still pray for you, your well-being and family. I pray whomever is for you; is good to you. I pray that she helps you achieve all the greatness I saw in you. This has and will always be my prayer for you. Thank you for helping me love me more. Thank you for being a soulmate.

Love, Black Beauty

 

Sarah

The fact of the matter is that you deserve love. You should respect yourself as much as possible. Why can’t you see yourself as amazing as you know you are. You’re so intelligent. Stop hiding. Show your true self. It’s OK. People like you. Stop being so guarded. It’s OK to love and trust. You’ve spent so much time hiding your true self. Do you know who you are? Queen, let me ask you again; Do you know who you are? What about what you are capable of? The list is endless. SLAY! Let love come. Buy your house. Buy Gringo! Love God and talk to Him more. Find peace. Find yourself, Babe. Love yourself, Queen. It’s OK! I love you and you ARE worthy of love, Sarah.

Love, Black Beauty.